Tuesday, January 29, 2013


Here are some things I never thought I’d say out loud...

-  To my dog, Lucy: “Girlfriend, you’ve got junk in your beard.”

-  To my dog, Cosmo: “Dude, did you just eat a bug?”

-  To my dog, Stella, after finding turds all over the living room carpet: “What did you do, poop and spin?”

-  To my daughter, Molly, after discussion of our life plans: “I’m no spring chicken. I’ve got to build my empire.”

-  After getting a new sewer pipe, and being able to finally use good, 2-ply toilet paper: “It’s a Christmas miracle!” (it was August).

-  To myself, while contemplating the down side of getting older: “Remember when you could get up from the couch without rocking first, or without farting?”

-  To myself after finding a single dog turd on my living room carpet: “Where’s the other one? They usually travel in pairs.”

-  To myself, after seeing a TV exercise commercial reference muscle confusion: “How about 'fat confusion'? That sounds like a better plan to me."

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