Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Knee Rehab - Day 5,280

Today marks the 5,280th day of knee surgery rehab. OK, not really but it’s starting to feel that way. Tomorrow will mark four weeks since my knee surgery. I’m finally starting to feel like a normal human, with a fake knee that won’t bend very much. Today I got restless... Vegging out in front of the TV wasn’t cutting it. I got my cane out and took a walk up to the local coffee shop two and a half blocks away. My daughter has been afraid for me to go out alone with my bum knee. I guess she thinks I will trip and roll out into the street, or maybe fall down and roll over onto my back like a potato bug. Trust me... I couldn’t roll over if you paid me. My bod just isn’t moving all that well yet. I had a lovely walk, and only had to tell three people why I was using a cane. One elderly neighbor offered to drive to the store if I needed anything. He had at about fifteen years on me, so it was a sweet offer. The hike to the coffee shop didn’t squelch my boredom, so I ventured into our bedroom to check the status of Rick’s shirts and ties. He likes me and Molly to match ties with his shirts. He has been going out the door with some interesting choices, so it’s probably time to intervene. I spent about an hour playing the Matchy-Matchy game. I’m not sure if Rick will enjoy my endeavors, but it killed time and I had fun. I tried a couple of new, really painful exercises. I had to get on the floor, which caused my three dogs to come sniffing around. They have hung out with me, mostly sleeping, for the past month. Now I was down on the floor... WTF? Lucy rolled around next to me and farted in my face. After that it was a blur... a really smelly blur of pain. When I was done with the exercises, I got up from the floor. It’s good only the dogs were there to watch me, as it wasn’t a pretty sight. This afternoon I’m being dropped off at the grocery store while Rick walks the dogs. Never would I ever think I’d be excited to go grocery shopping. And who knows? Maybe I will get to tell my knee story to hordes of new people. So sad...

Friday, April 25, 2014

Pay Per View Naughtiness

It has been 23 days since my total knee replacement surgery. I still love watching TV, but am kind of getting desperate finding something new to watch. I haven’t yet gotten to the point where I actually turn off my TV. So, I decided to branch out from my programmed Favorite channel listings and see what’s out there. That’s when I noticed the “interesting” names of shows on Pay Per View (Apparently, PPV is the cable TV spelling for PORN). Here are some of the titles:

Great Boobs Galore 3

My Wife Wants Your Wang 3

There’s A Party In My Mouth

3-Way Teen Nymphos Unleashed

Lez Make A Sex Tape! (Arts & crafts?)

Howlin’ For Dat Butt 5 (Sounds a tad bit racist.)

Dirty Cheating Wives (Aren’t all cheaters dirty?)

She’s Got A Rockin' Rack 3 (More car chases than #2?)

Prague Orgy Party (I’ve heard the Czech Republic is lovely.)

Amateur Bus Stop Pick-Ups (So much wrong here... where to start?)

Butt Cheeks Aquiver 1 (When was the last time you saw the word "aquiver"???)

40, Hot, And Ready 2 Screw! 6 (Something tells me this isn’t about home improvement.)

Tight Licking Vivid Lesbians (Vivid? Maybe someone was trying to find another adjective and “vivid” sounded dirty.)

There were a lot more titles, but the remainder made me make a bad face and gag a bit. I’m pretty sure I want to save my money for something else. I’ll stick with re-runs and might eventually crack a book.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Happy Freaky Easter

Today is Easter Sunday. Like the Christmas story, Easter leaves me with many questions. First we have the original, religious meaning. If you are a Christian, you believe that Jesus was God but had to live as a man and then die for everyone else’s sins. This never seemed like a good plan to me. The day Jesus was crucified is called “Good Friday”. Hmmm... still not getting it. Your favorite guy gets killed and you name the day “Good...”? After three days, Jesus left his tomb (no longer dead) and went back to Heaven. This is the part that became Easter. Except, if I remember correctly, there was also Ascension Thursday. So, is Easter when Jesus left his tomb, but just roamed the neighborhood until Thursday? Maybe I was sick the day they explained the timeline. Or possibly this was when zombies were invented. So, as strange as I find the religious story of Easter, the secular story is truly whacko. A giant rabbit comes in the night and leaves baskets of candy and fake eggs with treats inside. He sometimes hides these fake eggs outside in people’s yards. I’ve been told that the whole egg/rabbit thing denotes change and rebirth. I’m still not happy with that explanation. The neighbors across the street from my childhood home were very wealthy. The parents went to great pains to make sure their kids believed in Santa and the Easter Bunny as long as possible. Easter was like a mini-Christmas at their house. When the kids asked why we only got candy on Easter, I said we’d been kind of bad. That’s all I could come up with. One Easter morning, we looked outside to see a small tank driving down the sidewalk. The Easter Bunny had bestowed military equipment on our neighbors. All we got were jelly beans. And this somehow was all in the name of peace and rebirth??? Baby animals get born in springtime, and we see chickies at Easter time. So why not have a giant chicken dispensing eggs, instead of a bunny? I still don’t get his role. This story is just too incongruous and confusing for me. Or maybe I’m just pissed we never got even so much as a grenade launcher on Easter. Is there an Easter version of Bah Humbug?

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Knee Rehab Is Getting Dangerous

My knee rehab is getting dangerous. I was just dozing off on my chaise lounge and woke up as I was falling over onto a little side table. Kersplat! That would NOT have been good. I’m not sure if I needed to wake up with my heart pounding, but that’s what happened. It’s been two weeks since my total knee replacement. According to all the medical professionals involved, I have had a tougher time than the average person. I have never striven to be “normal”. However, this time I’d kill for a little normalcy. I enjoy vegging out in front of the TV, and can almost always find something to watch. This morning was a bit of a challenge, though. Here are a few of my viewing choices:

Bra Infomercial: I only briefly landed on this show, just to see if I was reading the name correctly. Seriously? Can you fill a half hour chatting about brassieres? Apparently so. I heard a British woman say “If your boobs aren’t in the right place, it’s just not going to work”. I decided to move on down the guide (I must be confident that my boobs are where they should be).

19 Kids And Counting: The Duggars - just shoot me. 

Total Gym For $14.95: I didn’t even check this one out. Sounded like a rip off.

Keeping Up With The Kardashians: I’d rather watch the Duggars with a fork in my eye.

I ended up watching a crime show I’d already seen. I’d rather watch a rerun than even one Kardashian. Murder mysteries keep my attention like nothing else. I wonder what that says about me. I haven’t gone “stir crazy” yet, which is a good thing. I wonder where that term came from? Sounds like something that would happen to a demented baker or chef. I got lots of time to figure it out...

Friday, April 11, 2014

Plaid Pants - Day 6

When I got home from my knee surgery, I went hunting for my lounge pants. I had purchased these pants two years ago after having colon surgery. I have lost weight since then, so these pants were pretty big. However, my leg is swollen so I need to be wearing giant pants. I looked for my Snoopy lounge pants, but couldn’t find them. I told my daughter that I must have given them to Good Will since they looked too much like pajama pants. Molly looked at the Madras plaid pants I was wearing and said “Ummm... so do those”. Seriously? I thought I looked kind of preppy, or like I had just stepped off the golf course. Add some penny loafers and a sweater draped over my shoulders and the outfit would be complete. Oh well, I was housebound and mostly hanging out on the couch. My fashion sense would just have to take a little vacation. I went on the Old Navy site and ordered three more pair of lounge pants. (Why are pants called “pair”? It’s really one article of clothing, not two. Shouldn’t it be called “a pant”? Just wondering...) The delivery estimate was five days, meaning I would be wearing the Big Giant Plaid Pants for six days straight. Gross. Today is the delivery date, and I am so excited. I feel like one of my dogs, excitedly waiting to bark at the mailman. Only, I won’t try to bite the front door or yell my head off when the delivery arrives. I will rip open the package, take off all the labels, and then figure out how to get my new lounge pants washed. My laundry room is in the basement, down a long flight of stairs. I know I’m banned from doing stairs at this point in my recovery. Damn. I will have to wait until Rick gets home and ask him to be my lovely laundress. I am soooo ready to be out of the Big Giant Plaid Pants. At this point, I could fit three people in them. I don’t currently have three other people with me to test out this theory. I do have my three dogs, though. Hmmm...

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Knee Rehab - Day 4

Now that I’m home from the hospital after having knee replacement surgery, I am in the throes of rehab. I have heard of this rehab thing. I keep seeing commercials for a facility called Passages Malibu. Hmmm... My treatment seems somewhat different. When I look out my living room window, I do not see the Pacific Ocean. I see my neighbor’s cars parked in front of their houses. I got all excited when told I would need to do rehab. Could I be rubbing elbows with the rich and famous? Earlier, I thought I heard something in the kitchen. I got my walker out and hurriedly cruised to the kitchen to investigate. Damn! No Lindsay Lohan... just a bunch of dirty dishes. I thought I saw the back of someone leaving the other side of my kitchen. Could Lindsay have brought her dad? Perhaps Robert Downey Jr. had a relapse and got lost in my kitchen. I picked up speed on my walker. Sparks were flying from the plastic wheels, which was probably not a good thing. Regardless, I pursued my fleeing celebrity. I rounded the corner by the bathroom... nothing. Down the hall and I just saw the usual stuff. Back in the living room where I started, I only encountered my three dogs snoring away on the couch. I don’t understand. My rehab has none of the perks of the Malibu place. I have yet to swim in a pool overlooking the ocean. There are no Roman columns or fountains in front of my house. Nobody has stopped by to give me acupuncture (a good thing - I’m so done with needles). I have yet to discover the fabulous gym seen in the TV commercial. Perhaps, this is a different kind of rehab. Well, duh. Looks like my rehab involves just a lot of exercises, pain, and one visiting physical therapist. Bummer. Malibu looks lovely.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Surviving Surgery

I had my knee replacement surgery, and as with all my other surgeries, it was traumatic. In addition to stressing about the IV, I also had to contend with having spinal anesthesia. I went over the procedure with the anesthesiologist, and was still terrified. He must have slipped me a mickie, though, as I kissed my husband good-bye one minute and the next minute I was being wheeled back up to my room by a nice man named Sam. There are so many un-fun things about a hospital stay - the 4 am blood draw, constantly being asked to swallow a thousand pills, and the neverending noises, beeps, bells and whistles. And then there’s the constant estimation of my pain level (1 to 10). The nurses ask, and I give my very best guess, and they write it down like it’s a real set-in-stone number. I’ve never given them a number that I felt good about, and always suspect that a wrong number would cosmically be entered on my Permanent Record (thank you, Catholic school). Pain can really mess you up. The first night, my pain wasn’t well under control. It was decided that I needed a nerve block... in my groin. OMG! And here I thought I had experienced all the heinous needle things under the sun. The doctor who performed the procedure was a friend of my husband’s. He was very nice and gentle, and tried his best to put me at ease. After the procedure, Rick asked how his doctor friend had done. “He saw my cooter” was probably not the expected response. Then, for more up-close-and-personal, I got to have a catheter... twice. The first time it took two nurses to manhandle my lady bits, and the second time it only took one. By the time I got to go home, I had been poked, prodded, sliced and diced, and sawed and drilled, while spending the much of the time in a narcotic fog. Not fun, but I hope the outcome is good. I deserve an awesome knee, one that possibly shoots fireworks or laser beams. Or, doesn’t keep me up at night. That’s really all I ask.