Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Prison Love

Charles Manson, nutball and serial killing mastermind, is engaged to be married. He is serving a life sentence in prison, and is eighty years old. Count them... eighty. His lovely fiancĂ©, “Star”, is twenty six years old. She got in touch with her dreamboat when she was seventeen, and moved near his California prison in 2007. I know teenagers rebel. The eye-rolling and general bitchiness I experienced with my kids (and apparently also took part in during my own teen years) was sort of awful. This story makes me pretty grateful that nobody moved near a prison to be with their soulmate. THAT’s rebelling on a whole new level. Star resembles one of Manson’s former minions. Coincidence? She thinks her lookalike was a whack job. Seriously??? I guess it’s normal for a woman in her twenties to fall in love with an eighty year old killer serving a life sentence. Perhaps it was the swastika carved on his forehead. I suppose carvings can be a turn on, like long walks on the beach or washboard abs. There will be no conjugal visits (thank God). Star and Manson are allowed a hug before and after each visit. Ick... killer cooties. Star thinks Manson is innocent and says she is going to get him freed. Hmmm... he has been in prison for over 40 years, almost twice as long as Star has been alive. Her taste in men really sucks. I had many crushes in my youth. Some were nimrods and douchebags, and many didn’t know I was alive. My most infamous crush happened when I was three years old - pianist and all-around fabulous entertainer Liberace. He had a TV show that came on right before cartoons. I was smitten, or maybe was dazzled by the boas and bling. Liberace was over-the-top gay and probably older than my parents. But in my defense, he hadn’t murdered anyone. I hope instead of giving the newlyweds a toaster or crock pot, someone gives Star a gift card for some serious counseling. Maybe there’s hope for her.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

A New Toaster

Our toaster died on Friday, so on Saturday I went in search of a new one. I armed myself with several store coupons and headed out to the mall. I was on a serious mission. My first stop was Bed Bath & Beyond. It was hard not to be distracted by the huge amount of merchandise. I saw some “as seen on TV” stuff, which included the 3-Way Poncho with Suzanne Somers on the package. The TV commercial for the poncho almost caused my husband to get whiplash as he wandered into the kitchen one night. A sultry voice saying the words “3 Way”. Too bad for him it was just a fat-hiding hunk of material. But I digress. While perusing the aisles at BB&B, I found a 20% off coupon on the floor. I ended up buying a bath mat and using the found coupon. Score! I wonder if I will start to get coupons in the mail addressed to somebody named Omari. Hmmm. My next stop was Macy’s. As I headed to the toaster area, I was waylaid by an aggressive saleswoman. She was demonstrating Nespresso coffee machines and was insistent that I listen to her schpiel. I declined, but she did a body block and opened a little drawer in her display to show me all the colorful little coffee pods. I said no again, and had to step around her to get away. Sheesh! My final destination was JC Penney. I went downstairs to Housewares and spotted the toasters. Unfortunately, there was an old guy wearing Duck Dynasty camo pants blocking my view. He was looking very intently at each toaster... slowly, ever-so-slowly. By this time, I didn’t want to play any more. I just wanted a damn toaster. Camo Pants Guy kept looking at me, like he wanted to discuss the choices we both faced. Due to not wanting to bond, I was forced to quickly make my choice. When I left to pay, Camo Pants Guy was still looking at the toasters. Maybe he just wanted a new best friend but it wasn’t going to be me. In hind sight, I should have told CPG that Macy’s had AWESOME toasters, as well as a very eager saleswoman nearby who could answer all his questions. Tee hee...