Spare Time Challenge

I miss shopping at the mall. There, I said it. I admit it. I also miss shopping at little boutiques. Maybe it’s the thrill of the hunt. More likely is that I shop out of boredom. Whatever. I enjoy it. Shopping at the grocery store really doesn’t fulfill that yearning. I don’t get excited finding vanilla yogurt, or a can of Rotelle like I do when I encounter a cute top or an amazing pair of earrings. I could do yard work, I suppose, but it’s mainly housework conducted outside. I can only pull weeds and wild grass for so long before the old bod seizes up on me. I used to get sore the second day after yard work. Now the pain is instantaneous, and just gets worse for two days. That leaves indoor activities to occupy my spare time. I know I watch far too much TV. OK, who am I kidding? There IS no such thing as too much TV, but I do have to give my butt a break once in a while. The last time I went to heat up the oven, smoke pored out through the top. This told me I might want to acquaint myself with the self-cleaning function ASAP (or perhaps never cook again). I placed a giant fan pointing at the oven, and closed the hall door behind which lives a smoke-detector. I opened a window as well as the back door so smoke could go out through the screen. I was all set to clean Old Smokey. I pushed Clean, and turned on the giant fan. To my wonderment, blobs of dog hair went shooting across the floor and pirouetted through the air. It was a fun little game to try to catch the hairy blobs as they came floating by. I also felt a little ashamed that my kitchen was obviously so dirty. My dogs weren’t interested in what I was doing, once they figured out I was Not in the kitchen to get them a treat. I was left to race around my tiny kitchen, pretending the hair blobs were $50 bills like in some dream gameshow. My next project will probably be to Clorox the grout around my kitchen tile. I doubt I will find much interesting in the process. I will have to try really hard to come up with a different way to see the task. It definitely won’t be Hair Blob Toss, or shopping at the mall. I miss the mall. Did I tell you I miss shopping at the mall??? Yup, I miss the mall. Sigh…

Some Things Never Change

I was walking Boley, our 4 year-old Labradoodle, the other day. I was noticing how many people now wear masks when they are outside during the day. I saw people mowing lawns, sitting on front porches, and washing cars while wearing masks. It is amazing to me how quickly we have (begrudgingly) embraced these new life-during-a-pandemic protocols. As I contemplated this, I was startled by a small dog’s bark inches away from us on the other side of a wire fence. A French Bulldog had waited until we were that close, as yappy little dogs tend to do, before scaring the ever-living crap out of me. I screamed and grabbed my chest (because I’d left my pearls that I usually clutch at home). The little dog was still barking and snorting up a storm as we walked away. Boley was un-phased by the little dog. He is normally startled easily by the wind, or a leaf blowing by. He is used to being verbally abused by little dogs because he lives with one - Stella, our 6 lb. Yorkie. As I was trying to swallow my heart and continue our walk, it occurred to me that this was a good thing. As much as our world has changed - wearing masks, keeping our distance, working from home - other things have not changed. Yappy little dogs are still annoying as hell. It felt good that I wanted to bop it on the nose, but wouldn’t, just like always. When we got home, Stella barked her head off from the comfort of her lair under the dining room table, as usual. The mailman came and both dogs lost their minds, as it is still the highlight of their day. Boley jumped around and barked, while Stella barked and tried to bite the bottom of the front door. All as usual. This was an epiphany! Some things never change! Hooray? I am going to try to embrace this new outlook whenever my dogs go ballistic at hearing the doorbell or the slamming of the mail slot. Sure, it hurts my ears, but I can live with that, right? It’s a good thing, right? Right???

Rush Hour, Pandemic-style

Since shelter-in-place was mandated, rush hour on the highways has pretty much disappeared. Now, however, we have rush hour on the neighborhood streets and sidewalks. When I walk Boley in the afternoon, it has become a challenge to avoid people on foot or on bicycles. I constantly look up ahead to see if someone is heading our way. If so, we cross to the other side of the street, providing that sidewalk is free and clear of humans. People have taken to walking in the street. So we have 3 options - this sidewalk, that sidewalk, middle of the street. All the zigzagging kind of makes me carsick, without a car. It does give my mind something to do though. Maybe it’s a live-action brain teaser. Boley doesn’t care about the route we take. He’s game for any action, and now sees way more people and dogs than he ever has. I’m not sure what he thinks about my bank-robber bandana. He kind of gives me the Once Over, then looks away. I’ll take that as his approval. Sometimes people gum up the process. There are those who stop to take pics of cherry blossoms, which ceases all action. Then there are people in their front yards talking to people in the street. You can’t very well head on down the sidewalk in between them. You could be getting blasted with germs from two sides. No thank you. The park we walk to (to deposit our poop bags) is still a popular place. The city had to post signs reminding people not to gather in groups and to keep 6 feet apart, or the park will be closed. Some people take in the scenic view by sitting in chairs atop their vans. Now THAT is social distancing with a flair! Personally, I would like to get in a giant hamster ball. That would be amazing, plus I wouldn’t be the one to zag to someone else’s zig. It would be all about getting out of My way, as it should be. Until I get that dream hamster ball though, I guess I will continue this way, no wait that way, not wait right down the middle…

Pandemic Buzz Words

When the Pandemic hit, we were immediately inundated with new terms - “sheltering in place”, “social distancing”, “flattening the curve”, and PPE. Who is in charge of the creation of these words, and where do I apply for the job?

Sheltering In Place - This term reminds me of a kid’s game. The first time I heard “sheltering in place” I had the urge to squat down with my fingertips on the ground. Ha… like THAT would ever happen. I couldn’t squat if someone held a gun to my head. I have one fake knee and one not-very-bendy and moderately unhappy knee. Squatting is not going to happen.

Social Distancing - Was this term invented by actress Gwyneth Paltrow? When she got divorced, she announced she was “Consciously Uncoupling”. Seriously, that’s just dumb. Keeping 6 feet apart from each other is the point. For me, the social distancing term conjures up visions of square dancers, doe-see-doe-ing around the room. Maybe it’s the word “social”, or the giant skirts ladies wear. For sure you could keep 6 feet between people if everyone wore a square dance skirt. I think I’ve hit on something! We should all start sewing skirts instead of masks.

Flattening The Curve - This pertains to graphs, statistics and lots of colorful lines going up, across, and down the page. I’m no math whiz, but I believe flattening the curve means when the lines stop going up, make a right turn, go for a flew blocks past the 7-11, and then head south.

PPE - This is shorthand for Personal Protective Equipment (masks, hospital gowns and gloves). It’s basically all the first responders have to keep themselves safe from catching the Covid19 Virus. It’s like taking tweezers to a gun fight, but it’s all we have. I made some masks out of bandanas and sections cut from nylon knee highs (for the ear straps). They work fine, unless you wear glasses. I have yet to figure out how to wear a protective mask without my glasses fogging up. l left my glasses in the car but wore my mask the last time I grocery shopped. I swear my eyeballs got fogged up. My solution to this problem is to wear a plain old bandana, bank-robber-style. My glasses don’t fog up, and the extra space below my nose allows for air flow. Plus, best of all, I look like a total badass. Or the Unabomber.

I’m sure new terms will keep coming, and we will adapt. Waiting for “Bye Bye Pandemic”.

Pandemic... What Took You So Long?

When I was a young kid in the early 1960s, I remember hearing a lot about Russia, the Bay of Pigs, and Nikita Khrushchev. I didn’t know what any of it meant. Grownups back then didn’t talk to kids. We were on our own to interpret what we were overhearing on the nightly news. It all sounded boring, yet scary, except maybe the Bay of Pigs. Porkers floating on their backs in a lake seemed kind of interesting. Definitely not scary. I grew up assuming that Russia would do something sinister to blow up the world. Why else would we be taught in our classrooms to “duck and cover”? The nuns in school told me my bad acts would go on my Permanent Record. If such a thing existed, then why shouldn’t I also be ready to hide under my desk for The Rest Of My Life? Over the years I felt a little less anxious about the Russians, but still sensed that something Big and Bad would happen during my lifetime. And here it is… Worldwide Pandemic. Yikes! I do like that the Coronavirus attacks all people, no matter who or what they are. That seems kind of fair, in a really crappy way. So now what? This is all new to everyone, except maybe a handful of people who were alive over 100 years ago during the Spanish Flu Pandemic. They would have been babies, so I doubt their memories can help us forge on through today. Some phrases have come floating through my brain as I ponder the Pandemic. “Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night” (Bette Davis), “Keep your arms and legs inside, and have fun” (every amusement park ride), and “Oh God!” (Veronica Cartwright in “Alien”). I think I’ll buckle myself in…