Saturday, August 30, 2014

Sweaty Man Ghost

My house has a mischievous jewelry gremlin. Occasionally, it will steal one earring. Eventually, I will find the missing piece in a place that it couldn’t have gotten to on its own. This gremlin is very annoying, but hasn’t bothered me in a couple years. Last month, I was carrying my clothes and earrings from the hall closet (where my stuff resides) to my bedroom. This journey is mere feet, as the closet and my bedroom are across the hall from each other. When I arrived in my room to get dressed, I realized I was missing an earring. I went back and looked but couldn’t find it. I shook out shoes, moved stuff, turned back the hall rug, and searched my bedroom. The next time I vacuumed, I kept my ears peeled for the sound of a PLINK. Nothing, zip, nada. The damn gremlin had struck! During this time, I had experienced a new ghosty-ghost sensation in my bathroom. When on or near the toilet, I could smell what seemed to me was a sweaty man. It was so strange. I even checked out my own armpits, in case I was the sweaty man. My daughter was at the house and I asked her to come into the bathroom to see if she thought our toilet smelled like a sweaty man. She declined. Go figure. It was at that point I wondered if Sweaty Man Ghost was my jewelry gremlin. At last it had a name! I implored him to give back my earring and hit the road. A couple days later the smell was gone. Wow! Maybe I was onto something. Had I released a stinky spirit that had been waiting around for the big heave ho? I felt like maybe I had done the spirit world a service. This morning, I re-checked my jewelry drawer for the umpteenth time and found my missing earring. It was in a corner where I doubt I could have dropped it. Perhaps Sweaty Man Ghost had left it there, in gratitude for his release. Then again, the smell is back. Maybe SMG didn’t really want to leave. He can stay as long as he keeps his smelly mitts off my jewelry. Also, the shower is right there, so maybe he should think about a little spa time. Hygiene is good. I’m still looking for someone to sniff around to verify that my nose hasn’t lost its mind. Is that too much to ask?

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Who's Got Your Pants?

Early one morning last week, I was having a lovely drive to work. The first twenty miles were uneventful. I got off the freeway and had only two miles left until I arrived at my office. It was 5:40 and the sky in the East was beginning to lighten into a beautiful pale yellow. As I eagerly contemplated getting my before-work latte, I noticed a heavyset woman walking down the sidewalk in my direction. She was kind of waving her arms above her head. I tried to decipher her outfit as I got closer. It looked like she was wearing black underpants and some sort of long shirt. We made eye contact. It was at that point the woman turned sideways and smacked her butt with her hand. I do believe she had told me to Kiss Her Ass. WTF??? What did I do to warrant such a message? I looked in my rearview mirror after I passed her, and realized she was wearing her pants on her head. I am known for my attention to detail, but I seemed to have missed this big picture from the get go. Was it because I normally don’t expect to see someone wearing their pants on their head, so my eyes lied to my brain? I must admit that I was relieved this woman seemed to be drunk or nutsy coo-coo. When I first saw her waving her arms, I was afraid she needed emergency assistance. From me, alone in my car, at 5:40 in the morning. After she sent me her non-urgent but highly rude message, I realized that I didn’t need to help her. She was not wandering into traffic. She had pants, if she needed them. As far as I could see, she wasn’t bleeding or on fire. I was off the hook. I’m not sure, though, if she was wearing shoes. OMG... what if she stepped on a rock or stubbed her toe while smacking her butt at presumably the next car? Well, I’ve been meaning to try not to worry so much about things. This would be a good place to start. I release you, oh Pants-On-Head person. Be careful who you send your rudeness to. The next person might not be as harmless as I am. Also, get some shoes.