Sunday, August 3, 2014

Who's Got Your Pants?

Early one morning last week, I was having a lovely drive to work. The first twenty miles were uneventful. I got off the freeway and had only two miles left until I arrived at my office. It was 5:40 and the sky in the East was beginning to lighten into a beautiful pale yellow. As I eagerly contemplated getting my before-work latte, I noticed a heavyset woman walking down the sidewalk in my direction. She was kind of waving her arms above her head. I tried to decipher her outfit as I got closer. It looked like she was wearing black underpants and some sort of long shirt. We made eye contact. It was at that point the woman turned sideways and smacked her butt with her hand. I do believe she had told me to Kiss Her Ass. WTF??? What did I do to warrant such a message? I looked in my rearview mirror after I passed her, and realized she was wearing her pants on her head. I am known for my attention to detail, but I seemed to have missed this big picture from the get go. Was it because I normally don’t expect to see someone wearing their pants on their head, so my eyes lied to my brain? I must admit that I was relieved this woman seemed to be drunk or nutsy coo-coo. When I first saw her waving her arms, I was afraid she needed emergency assistance. From me, alone in my car, at 5:40 in the morning. After she sent me her non-urgent but highly rude message, I realized that I didn’t need to help her. She was not wandering into traffic. She had pants, if she needed them. As far as I could see, she wasn’t bleeding or on fire. I was off the hook. I’m not sure, though, if she was wearing shoes. OMG... what if she stepped on a rock or stubbed her toe while smacking her butt at presumably the next car? Well, I’ve been meaning to try not to worry so much about things. This would be a good place to start. I release you, oh Pants-On-Head person. Be careful who you send your rudeness to. The next person might not be as harmless as I am. Also, get some shoes.

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