Tuesday, March 5, 2013


Canada is getting rid of its pennies. I don’t have anything against pennies, but nickels annoy the hell out of me. I wish I knew why. My brain doesn’t work like most people’s. In my mind, coin denominations should be in direct proportion to their size. Therefore, dimes should be pennies, pennies should be nickels and nickels should be dimes. I’m not sure if Susan B. Anthony silver dollars are still around. I don’t like them because they are too close to the size of quarters. Plus, I don’t like her hairdo. I wouldn’t cry if the US Treasury put pennies out of circulation. Nickels don’t do much good, and just take up extra space in my wallet. My dad used to have a really cool nickel slot machine. He had a little pill bottle where he stored his nickels. Every morning, he would play a few. It used to tickle me to see him in his jammies, gambling in his family room. I look back fondly on that memory, but it still doesn’t make me like nickels. When I was a senior in high school, some enterprising guys put a desk in the doorway of the boy’s bathroom. A sign on the door read “World’s Biggest Turd - 5 Cents A Look”. I was intrigued. I was sort of curious about the inside of the boy’s bathroom, but wasn’t sure I really wanted to take a gander at the enormous pooh. Plus, I probably didn’t have a nickel. The principal came by, paid his nickel, then shut down the operation. I’m not sure if he took a look, but I like the way he handled the situation. No detention, no yelling, he just put the entrepreneurs out of business. I think nickels are only good for admission to look at turds, and that opportunity doesn’t come up that often. Pennies, nickels, and Susan B. should go on a long holiday to wherever Canadian pennies are going. Some coinage dude ranch or spa, where they can just fade away...

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