Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Bite Me

I detest going to the dentist. Now, mind you, it’s not my dentist I object to. He is great and his staff is wonderful. Unfortunately, I have a history of upsetting dental work to overcome. My childhood dentist was in practice with his brother. I have always felt that Dr. Paul lost a bet, and was forced to handle the juvenile patients. He was not a nice man, and I suspect he hated children. The first time I had a tooth filled, he gave me novocaine, then waited only five minutes before drilling. Needless to say, my mouth was not the least bit numb. When I yelped, Dr. Paul told me to shut up and stop acting like a baby. What a dick. My next dentist was fast, and didn’t hurt me. I have had to get all his dental work redone, though, so as a dentist he probably sucked. My current dentist is very patient and caring. Dr. Frank told me I have a problem with certain nerves that are hard to numb. Only 2% of people have this problem, so I guess I’m special. He and his assistants have learned to dodge getting hit in the head with my feet when he hits a nerve. Keeps them on their toes and nobody falls asleep while working on my mouth. Today, I had my teeth cleaned. I greeted my hygienist, then assumed The Position - ankles crossed, hands clenched in a death grip, shoulders up around my ears. I know it was only a cleaning, but I’m a planner and am always prepared for a random stab of pain. With a previous hygienist, I tried doing butt clenches as a mental diversion. Funny thing I discovered - It’s not possible to do butt clenches while your ankles are crossed. I ended up clenching everything from the tip of my toes to the top of my head. I thought I could multi-task and get in shape while having my teeth cleaned. I was wrong. Today I just tried to go to my Happy Place, then realized I don’t have one. Got to get me one of those before my next visit.

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