Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Tight Squeeze

I detest wearing pantyhose or tights. I have ruined many a pair while trying to hoist them up. It takes some kind of finesse that I apparently lack. Last weekend I had to dress up nice for a wedding. My fancy garb took me about two months to put together. The day before the wedding I decided I needed a dress rehearsal, to make sure everything looked right together. I made the mistake of buying “control top” tights, which is code for “torture device”. I got them up as far as my knees and knew I was in trouble. They were already too tight, and I still had miles of rough terrain to go. After almost throwing my back out, I decided an emergency run to the mall was in order. I found the right size tights (non-control top) and I was in business. All was right with the world and my internal organs eventually sprung back to life. Twenty years ago, I had my worst pantyhose mishap. I had to fly to see my sick mother. I was on an airline pass, which requires a certain dress code. The cranky ticket counter person didn’t like the bobby socks and loafers I was wearing with my skirt. She literally threw the rule book at me (a pamphlet) and demanded I wear hose. I thought socks WERE hose, but didn’t want to argue and get another book thrown at me. I bought pantyhose in the gift shop and made my way to the restroom. Then the contortions began. I was in a stall with my purse and rolly suitcase. I had to balance on one foot while I shoved the other one into the pantyhose. While this was going on, I also had to try not to fall into the toilet. I doubt Houdini could have achieved success. I got the pantyhose almost pulled up when I put a big hole at the top of one leg. Sigh. I gathered my stuff and went to my gate. The entire flight I could feel a run making its way down my leg. After the hassle the counter lady gave me, I figured I might get tossed off the plane for hose abuse. I think I’ve earned the right to be afraid of pantyhose. It’s a good thing my social calendar is pretty sparse. I should be good to go to another wedding in a couple years.

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