Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Stink Stank Stunk
I miss farting with wild abandon. Six months ago, I had colon surgery. Since then, things have changed in my gastrointestinal area. Gone are the days of just passing your basic smelly gas. Now, when I feel a fart coming on, I try my damnedest to squelch it. You see, my insides now smell like the bowels of hell. Satan’s halitosis has taken up residence in my colon. Perhaps the surgeon left a sponge or something inside my pipes during the surgery. Maybe some kind of stink filter got removed with the bad chunk of my colon. Makes sense to me. I don’t want to give the wrong impression... I don’t spend my time passing gas. Eau contraire, I now concentrate on NOT letting any fumes make their way to the outside world. It’s a full-time job. Every day, I thank my lucky stars that farts can’t be seen. If some wacky scientist were to invent Fart Goggles, I’m sure my stinkers would be green with spikes, thorns, and big teeth. A stagnant cloud surrounds me when I let one rip. It does not dissipate quickly, or move on. It just hangs in the air like a heavy, deadly mist. Nose hairs burn, eyebrows are singed. It’s not pretty, and I don’t know what to do about it. I warn my family that they may want to take an alternate route to bypass wherever I have just been. I have thought about donating my newfound skills to the US Defense Department as a secret weapon. Imagine unleashing my butt on an unsuspecting enemy who expects an attack from a tank or airplane. It would be nice to use my powers for good instead of evil. So, until further notice, you might want to approach me front the front rather than down wind. Nose plugs recommended.