Rules To Live By

There's something not quite right about people who wear capes. Only vampires and super heroes should wear them. Elvis and Liberace are dead, so there is no longer a reason for anyone to don a cape. I think this item should be added to my Rule Book. Perhaps I need to review the rules, for when I am Queen of the World. It should simplify things for everyone:

TV reality shows will cease to exist. 

Smokers will be relocated to Antarctica. Sorry to the penguins and Ozone Layer, but these people  have to go. 

All versions of "Jingle Bells" will be strictly prohibited. No exceptions. 

People who put their turn signals on after beginning their turn will immediately lose their driver's licenses. 

Women in the Catholic Church will be ordained as priests, while men will only be allowed to join the Altar Society to "pretty up" the place.

Women's sizes will be changed to the following:
XS = You Look Ridiculous
S = Eat Something
M = Much Improved
L = Almost There
XL = You're Perfect

Hypocrites will carry the ashtrays for smokers in Antarctica. 

I never eat anything with suction cups (my own personal rule). Squid supposedly tastes like rubber bands. Why eat that? You may have my squid. Knock yourselves out. (You're welcome.)

Through some fluke, should I not become Queen of the World, feel free to follow these simple rules anyway. One of us will be happier.