The Stupid Times

Before the Age of Aquarius, came the Stupid Times. These were the days before bike helmets, seatbelts, and sunscreen. We were dumb and liked it that way. Countless hours were spent pushing our bikes up long hills, and riding down them as fast as we could, sans helmets. At that time, only astronauts and football players wore helmets. I never crashed and burned on my bike. Amazing! Seatbelts were another phenomenon that came later. We just rolled around loose in the car, like marbles in a shoebox. There was no "Click It or Ticket", because there was nothing to click. Sunscreen needed to be invented way before it was. I was on Unwanted Facial Hair Patrol the other night, and noticed new brown spots on my face. Maybe I will get so many they will blend together to give me a natural fake tan. Back in the dumb old days, a third degree sunburn was just part of summer. Having chills and blistered skin was merely the gateway to a kick-ass tan. I never really liked being in the sun, but I gave it a good try. I used to get out the chaise lounge, radio, cold drink, and a book. I would lather up with sun tan lotion, or Baby Oil if I was feeling hardcore, and lay down. At a maximum of five minutes, I would be sitting in the shade with a Popsicle. I was a lightweight in the boxing arena of tanning. My only recourse to get a tan was to hang out in a pool. The chlorine bleached me a bit, but I eventually got tan. Nowadays I don't care that I have lily-white skin. If it weren't so damn cold on Halloween, I would wear shorts and rent out my legs. I'm sure the light of my legs could lead legions of trick or treaters. I could be the Human Glow Stick, and all without blisters. What a deal!