Downsize That Butt

I was changing channels on my car radio as I drove to the airport. I stopped on a show with John Tesh who was dispensing advice, as usual. He had just completed a scary warning about how scientists think getting a manicure can give you skin cancer. Something about the UV rays from the dryers used is really bad for you. Who knew? (besides the wise John Tesh). His next comment was something like “Next up... We now know that horizontal stripes can make you look bigger than you really are”. At this point, I started to yell at my radio. “Now??? NOW we know???” Hello... I’ve known that since I was a toddler. Where ya been, John Tesh? From my mother’s comments, I assume I was born with a large ass. I was a skinny, gangly little girl but it seems like Mom was always coming up with ways to make my lower half look smaller. Horizontal stripes were a big no-no. Light colors on top, dark colors on the bottom. The dawning of the 1980’s brought my mom’s very most favorite butt-reducing trick - shoulder pads. OMG how I hated those things. Still do. I think Mom sewed shoulder pads in all her clothes. I wouldn’t be surprised if her jammies had them. I just never got why looking like a linebacker was attractive. If I’m going to tackle someone, I want the element of surprise. I have always removed shoulder pads when I’ve purchased clothes that had them. At one time I had a whole sack full of the annoying little buggers. They came in handy once, though, when my son went to preschool on Circus Day dressed as the Strong Man. I sewed shoulder pads in his costume as muscles. They made awesome fake biceps. I’m a very creative person, but that’s the only alternate use I’ve come up with for shoulder pads. I refuse to put them where they were intended. Sorry, Mom. My big bootie and I are defying you. Besides, the 1980’s are over... at least for now.