Friday, May 10, 2013


This morning as I was bringing my dogs in from their 5 am potty break, I noticed a pile of gunk that used to be a snail. Did it explode or get stepped on? Either explanation was nauseating to me. Snails are weird creatures. They are slimy little blobs who lug their houses around wherever they go, oh so slowly. In addition to their lack of speed, snails leave behind a trail of glittery goo. They could never sneak up on a guy, which I guess is good. I used to think slugs were just snails who were out of their shells on a joy ride. I don’t think that’s right, though. I’ve seen slugs of different sizes and colors. I’ve never encountered snails that looked anything other than your basic little greenish-brown crunchy creature. I wonder if they are connected to their shells. I get the sense that they are. Seems like stepping on the shells kills the wormy little guy part as well. I’m just grossed out enough by them not to investigate. People cite the platypus when talking about animal design mistakes God has made. I think snails should jump... er slither, to the top of the list. If I were to re-design a snail, I’d start with their mode of transportation. I’m not sure what exactly moves them. My design would have the same kind of caterpillar tracks as a tank, on a smaller scale. That way, we could probably get rid of the slime feature (even though I kind of like the glittery part). Tiny wheels or rollers would also work. As long as we’re at it, we should probably give the snails some sort of defense system. Just grossing out an enemy isn’t enough. Maybe a stinger or some spikes would work. It might mess up French cuisine, though. What possessed the French to look at snails and say “Mon Dieu! I’ll bet that would taste amazing in melted butter”??? They must be insane. I feel no animosity toward snails. I sort of feel sorry for them, being unable to dodge a multitude of things that could crush them at any moment. Who knows? Maybe it’s exhilarating for them... living on the edge. A very slow, slimy, gooey edge. Ick.

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