Friday, May 17, 2013

Sicky McSickerson

I caught the crud from Molly. It’s a weird, bad flu bug that effects everybody differently. I am mostly achey, really really achey. I possibly might have been hit by a semi truck and dragged, then got amnesia and forgot the incident. Not sure. When I’m sick, I refuse to stay in bed. I always shower, get dressed, and hang out on the couch in front of my beloved TV. I’ve done this ever since I was a kid. I’d have to be on death’s door to stay in bed. I enjoy watching TV shows, but can’t seem to tune out the commercials. I just lay there like a slug, and soak it all in. Aside from feeling awful, the commercials are bringing me down. Perhaps they market to people who are home during the day. This, I believe, would be the elderly and the sick, and apparently those with low self esteem. If I had a prostate, I now know I can take a pill so I don’t pee a lot, and which pill is better than another. I can take a pill and lose weight FAST. Easy peasy. I can also fix my bad credit. Seeing as how I’m sick, I’m unable to read the fine print at the bottom of the ad. If I had acne, it would be gone as long as I sent away for Proactive. I’m pretty sure an airbrush, spackle, and a movie special effects artist are involved. Nobody’s skin looks like that. Male testosterone enhancement has gotten confusing. Would I take a pill, then get me a sports car and young hot woman? Or would I use the armpit application, and make sure I don’t get too close to children and pregnant women? If anybody at home is a victim of medical malpractice, they just need to call the toll-free number and all will be well. I guess I’m looking at this all wrong. These commercials aren’t appealing to people’s fears. They are just trying to help. Yup, they’re helpers. And if they just happen to drain someone's bank account, oh well. By the time I’m well again, I won’t have acne, I’ll be glad I’m not a guy, and will know the names of any lawyers I might ever need. I can’t wait...

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