Friday, November 16, 2012

Hasta La Vista, Twinkies

The world is a little sadder today, and possibly a little skinnier. Hostess is closing its doors. Good-bye to Twinkies, Ho Ho’s, Ding Dongs, Cupcakes, Zingers and all the other yummy but unhealthy treats. I won’t cry over the demise of Snowballs. I think they are weird and rubbery, and I’m not a fan of coconut. But the rest will be missed. I eat a Twinkie about every three years. Anything that tastes so good must be so bad. In 1979, Dan White was convicted of assassinating San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk. As proof that he was depressed when he committed the crime, his defense team pointed out that he was eating a lot of junk food. The jury decided White had diminished mental capacity and convicted him only of voluntary manslaughter. This became known as the Twinkie Defense. I was always sorry such a fine snack food was connected to such a heinous crime. It wasn’t the Twinkie’s fault... really. So what happens next? My coworkers ran out to Safeway today to snap up whatever Hostess products they could find. They said the treats were flying off the shelves. I was given a Zinger from their newly acquired stash, and OMG...ecstasy! I threw my head back, and savored every morsel. My eyes may have rolled back in my head. I squelched a tiny moan, being at work and all. Then I asked for a cigarette. Just kidding, but man... my mouth is watering again just thinking about it. Someone read the expiration date on one of the boxes - December 2313. Three hundred and one years... that’s some shelf life. I wonder if the saying about having a “snowball’s chance in Hell” was referring to the Hostess kind of Snowball. Makes sense to me. It’s the perfect snack for eternal damnation. I salute you, Twinkies and Zingers, for all the sugary goodness (and badness) you gave me throughout the years. I will mourn your passing, sort of.

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