Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Best In Show

Every Thanksgiving I watch the National Dog Show while I’m working on dinner. A few years ago, the dumbass Standard Poodle won Best In Show. It was a white male with an enormous ‘fro, whose body had been shaved except for a bunch of pom poms festooning his butt, tail and legs. I’m surprised he could haul himself out of his kennel every day to face hours of grooming, shaving, and extreme emasculation. He was probably depressed, and would most likely opt for rolling in something disgusting rather than winning another trophy. It seemed to me that this dog won the big prize due to his hairdo. That’s the only explanation I could come up with, and I wanted to give the judge a sharp rap on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. One question that always pops into my brain while watching the dogs run with their trainers... Why are the female trainers generally chunky girls? You’d think all the running around would cause them to shed a pound or two. Does that job not attract any slender types? Perhaps the outfits they wear with their sensible shoes make them appear much dowdier than they really are. There’s probably a dress code, which brings up another question... Did an attractive female trainer in stiletto heels take a header and cause the demise of fashion at the dog shows? Maybe nobody wants the dogs to be outshined by the people leading them. Imagine a bleached blonde with big fake boobs running around the stage. I doubt anyone would notice whether she was leading a dog or pulling a wagon full of manure. I’ve always thought beauty pageants were the human equivalent of dog shows, minus the genital squeeze. Walking down the runway in an evening gown is pretty much the same as dog show contestants trotting in front of the judge. Thankfully, they don’t make the dogs bark their formula for world peace or howl an aria from La Boheme. This year I will really try not to be a hater if the poodle wins. Also, I will be thankful I’m not running with the dogs in front of millions of critical people (like me).

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