Thursday, July 5, 2012

Take A Hike...Or Not

I read a story today about a severed human foot that was found off a hiking trail in Missouri. The foot was inside a men’s size 13 shoe, with two socks. Hmmm. Wonder what the extra sock was for. Interesting, yet horrifying. This is exactly why I don’t hike. It’s ALWAYS hikers who discover dead bodies, or parts of bodies. You never hear about someone finding a severed head in the produce aisle of the grocery store. During the few hikes I’ve attempted, I’ve found myself on the lookout for circling buzzards. Fortunately, the grossest thing I’ve encountered has been some extremely large (and live) banana slugs. My doctor has encouraged me to get more exercise. Between asthma and arthritic knees, climbing stairs or anything else just about kills me. I hesitated telling my doctor about my hiking/dead body phobia. I’m sure she’s heard every excuse, except maybe that one. I told her once that I suspected there was a tiny village of Cellulite People living in my thighs. So, chances are, I can’t shock her. Who knows? She may enjoy hearing a new, if bizarre, excuse for not exercising. My dead person phobia doesn’t stop at the Great Outdoors. There is a women’s restroom off the lobby in my office building. It has a long row of stalls, with another row of stalls behind. I have never ventured to the far away row of stalls, for fear of stumbling across a body. I’ve heard of people parking their bikes back there. As far as I know, there have been no corpse or zombie sightings. Still, I can’t bring myself to take a peek behind the first row of stalls. Not even an emergency pooh will get me to check it out. So to all you marauding corpses out there... Take a hike (without me).

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