Friday, July 20, 2012


I’m a big fan of HGTV - the home improvement I-Can-Do-That-But-In-Reality-That’s-What-Professionals-Are-For channel. I’ve never been drawn in by the Home Shopping Network. HGTV, however, has lured me in with its siren song. After a few shows, I start to notice stuff around my house that needs to be updated, painted, or tossed in a dumpster. I am convinced my house has mold and fire ants living in its walls. I have been trying to figure out how to finance a home theatre in my basement. My kitchen cabinets need to be ripped off the wall and restained. An island with a granite top should be added, but in my small kitchen, that would mean knocking out the wall and building onto my next-door neighbor’s patio. I’ve always detested chandeliers, but need to get with the program and install 5 or 6 of them. My 1950’s green tile bathroom should somehow be turned into a high-end hotel spa. Good luck with that one. These ideas don’t stop with the inside of my house. My yard is fair game for the evil puppet masters at HGTV. One show I have renamed “My Big Obscene Renovation” has me yearning for a basketball court, fire pit, and water feature. When it rains too much, we actually have a water feature in the clogged drain at the end of the driveway. Somehow, I don’t think that’s what these shows are talking about. The how-to-sell-your-home shows usually have the homeowners start with a real intense cleaning. I can do that! It has been a couple weeks since I vacuumed my house. At this point, I’m not sure whether the dust bunnies will fit in my vacuum. Is it dangerous to use a weedwhacker indoors? I thought of a show I’d like to pitch for the executives at HGTV. It is still in the planning stages, but involves a dust bunny cam. They take videos down sewer pipes. I would think a video taken at dust bunny eye level would be more pleasant. One question, though...How do you attach a camera to a dust bunny? I’ll bet the people at HGTV know, but they aren’t telling. They’ve probably already stolen my idea.

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