Sunday, July 15, 2012

Naked Strangers

About ten years ago, my husband and I joined a gym. I was anxious to get in shape, and excited to start the ball rolling. That is, until I made my first visit to the ladies’ locker room. OMG! I forgot how horrifying public locker rooms can be. As soon as I walked in, I almost ran smack dab into a large naked woman lovingly spreading lotion on her ample body. She took her time, and savored every moment. I told myself it was probably an isolated incident, but it was just the beginning. My next encounter involved Slow Motion Naked Woman. She was elderly, thin and very frail. She emerged from the steam room, walking slowwwwwly with one of those canes with the little feet. Who knows? She’s probably still making her way to her locker even now. After that, I thought I would avoid naked people by going to the gym really early. Wrong again. This time, I was bombarded by Gaggle of Naked Girlfriends. These women had just come from the pool. They were giggling and chatting and not getting dressed. I went swimming, assuming they would be dressed or gone by the time I got back. Nobody was dressed when my laps were done, so I got a double feature of group nakedness. The piece de resistance came with The Goddess. After a swimming aerobics class, I was dressing in front of my locker. A woman said “Excuse me” because I was blocking her locker. I turned to see an exquisitely beautiful naked woman. She was tan and perfect. She was also really nice. A deadly combination. So I schlumped away and finished dressing. Right before I walked out of the locker room, I checked my hair. It was then that I saw the World’s Biggest Booger perched on the end of my nose. Great. Maybe The Goddess wasn’t so nice after all. I guess it’s hard to tell a total stranger that they have a cantaloupe-sized boogie on their nose, but still. Guess she wasn’t so perfect. Welcome to the club!

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