Thursday, July 12, 2012
I came out of the womb looking for my soul mate. At age three, my first crush was on Liberace. Hmmm… Interesting choice. In my defense, he had a TV show that came on right before my beloved cartoons. Even at three, I sensed that there was something over-the-top about Liberace. On my first day of kindergarten, I fell in love for real. One glance at Jimmy M. and it was all over for me. Angels sang, I saw stars and heard bells. For the only time in my life, I was kind of slutty. Anytime Jimmy was in reach, I would grab him and kiss him on the cheek. I told my mom about this, and she was horrified. She told me not to kiss him anymore. The next day, I came home so proud because I hugged Jimmy instead of kissing him. Poor kid. That crush came and went all through school, and finally went for good. On the flip side of the love coin, I seemed to attract the paste eaters and nose pickers. In fourth grade, a kid named Donald liked me. At least I think he liked me. He used to pick his nose and throw the boogers on my desk. A gift? In some countries, I believe that made us engaged. Around sixth grade, my school's only hood, Ralph, became enamored of me. He sat behind me and tried to comb my hair with his greasy comb. I don't know if I was more terrified of him or the nun catching us in mid-groom. Ralph's mom was a very butch woman with a deep smoker's voice. I believe she saw me as Ralph's savior/girlfriend. In ninth grade, Ralph invited me to his reform school prom. No joke - reform school. Even after his mom put the squeeze on my mom, I got out of it. My mom said I wasn't allowed to date yet. God bless you, Mom. All through school, I never got that boyfriend I craved. Somewhere out there, though, a booger flinger has my photo on his fridge.