Tuesday, April 2, 2013
I saw a story in the news about a woman who attacked her husband with hot oatmeal. The attack occurred while he slept, yet she claimed it was self defense. Hmmm... Defense against what, snoring? I have been eating oatmeal every day to lower my cholesterol. Never in my wildest dreams did I know it could also be used as a weapon. I assume any hot substance poured on an unsuspecting person could be used. Oatmeal, though, seems like it has extra stickiness that would enhance the damage. My daughter goes to night school. I worry about her safety as she goes to her car in the dark after class. I’m not a fan of guns. Knives aren’t a good option either. Maybe some sort of Weaponized Hot Oatmeal Delivery System, or WHODS, needs to be invented. Raisins definitely should be a component. I know oatmeal has some skin-tightening properties, and is also used to take away itchiness. In the future if you got caught misusing a WHODS, you could just say you were helping someone exfoliate. See? I’m way better than that lady at coming up with excuses for bad oatmeal behavior. Self defense? ...Sheesh, what an amateur! I’ve always thought tube socks would be a great component of a home-made weapon. Actually, they’re hideous so that’s all they should be used for. Years ago, I got an award at work. My trophy was a very heavy disk-like paper weight. The first thought upon receiving it was how it would make a great weapon if hidden in a tube sock. Visions of David & Goliath? Seriously, I’m not a violent person, just always thinking. A multitude of things stuffed into a tube sock could be quite harmful - rolls of quarters, rocks, marbles. I could go on, but I’m sounding less creative and more nutball. In summation, oatmeal is good for lowering cholesterol but bad for sound sleep when your spouse holds a grudge. Any questions? I’ll be tinkering in my basement on my WHODS.