Monday, April 22, 2013

Hanging With Your Bad Self

A headline caught my attention today - “Men in kilts swing free, have happier sperm”. Kilts worn without underwear, as they were meant to be worn “let our laddies swing freely in the breeze”. So just what constitutes a happy sperm? Do they smile or hum a snappy little tune? My cartoon-loving mind reels with images of these tiny guys out to enjoy themselves. This study was pretty much about pinpointing the right scrotal environment. Apparently, the Scottish Highland coolness is the perfect environment to make robust sperm. Now hold on... Robust is totally different than happy. Do testicles in Scotland make really buff and muscular sperm? How much can they bench press? I’ll they could drop and give you 20 pushups without breaking a sweat. Raised temperature and tight pants can result in sorry, wimpy, and generally unhealthy sperm. They probably have asthma, thick glasses, and get beat up a lot. Sperm count can also be effected by restricted testicles. I did not know sperm could count. They sound like interesting little characters. In addition to counting, the healthy ones can swim and go after their intended targets (eggs) with a gusto. Being a girl, I can’t imagine what it would be like to own a pair of testicles. I’d want to protect them. Knowing me, I’d be wearing bubble wrap underpants, and would probably tippy-toe my way through life. In view of this study, my sperm would be stupid and could probably only doggie paddle. I still can’t picture the kilt-wearing Highlanders riding horses and tossing cabers sans underwear. I guess that’s what makes them and their sperm so brawny. The article also mentioned that kilts are sexy. I’d like to chime in on that point. I believe it depends who is sporting the kilt. I once saw a middle-aged guy with a beer belly wearing a kilt. He was also wearing a golf shirt and tennis shoes. Soooo not appropriate. To look good in a kilt, a guy should be in his twenties or thirties, and wear a tee shirt and army boots. It takes a kind of tough, dangerous-looking guy to pull off the kilt look. Meanwhile, underneath it all, some tough little sperms are ready for a fight, or maybe a little romance. Just hanging with their homey.

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