Saturday, September 19, 2015

Wasps Are Evil MFers

We’re having a garden installed in our backyard next month. In order to save some money, I’ve spent every weekend the last couple of months pruning and and digging up weedy plants. Two weeks ago, I got stung on my neck by a wasp. It totally freaked me out, and the bites (a nice grouping) still hurt and itch. I found out that wasps don’t lose their stinger, and unfortunately don’t die after they sting someone. They can sting as many times as they want. Now, two weeks later, I got stung again. This time, though, the bastard got me in the butt. It sounds funny, but it hurt like hell. I decided to keep working, and for a couple of hours I pruned a huge pile of tree branches. I cut them up, and filled a big bin and two paper bags. I was ready to call it a day, but thought I’d trim a couple more unsightly branches. I was sawing a branch, and heard the now familiar, terrifying buzzing. I looked down to see a swarm of wasps around the side of the tree I was trimming. I took off across the lawn, yelling and waving my hat. One wasp was dive bombing me, so I dropped my saw and ran to the house. I got inside and slammed the screen door a second before the bastard got there. He actually hit the window a few times. Back on the lawn was all my yard stuff - bin, bags, and tools. I knew I had to get it all put away before quitting, but there was the swarm waiting to take me out. I walked back toward my things, humming that little song you do when you want to look casual... Do do do. I didn’t look in the direction of the swarm, and just kept focused on my task so I could get back to safety. As I put my tools back in the garage, I heard a woman in the yard next door, talking on the phone. Something about the tone of her voice mimicked the buzzing of the wasps. She’d start talking, and I’d scream. I had totally lost it. I survived my bug bite, but now my left butt cheek is angry, red and sore. It looks like the dark side of the moon with a big red mountain in the middle. I am done with the pre-garden gruntwork. The landscaper can take her chances with the Evil Ones. Do do do...

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