Sunday, September 16, 2012
The Perv Next Door
Our first house together was located on a charming, old tree-lined street. It was there Rick and I experienced a street cleaning event. Once a year, you could put anything out on the street in front of your house. On your appointed day, large dump trucks would come down the street, followed by an army of people equipped with shovels and brooms. To get ready for the big day, Rick and I tackled the garage. He climbed up in the the rafters and threw junk down to me. While up there, Rick yelled “Hey, what kind of doctor was the guy we bought the house from? Was he a gynecologist?”. Then, he dropped his find down to me - a padded, flesh-colored torso that could be bolted onto a wall. It had no arms, and partial thighs. It was truly horrific, and definitely pervy. I couldn’t put this item out on the street until the last minute, due to the fact that people in pickup trucks would peruse the street cleaning items as soon as they were deposited. Our neighbor, a not-too-bright woman we called The Airhead, regularly checked out everyone’s junk piles. She had at least two toilets sitting on her front porch, in addition to other street cleaning treasures. The last thing she needed was a life-sized sex toy. By the morning of the street cleaning event, I was anxious to get rid of The Torso. At the crack of dawn, I took it out to the street, and buried it under some ugly decorative rocks and other assorted junk. Then, I scurried back to my house to await the dump trucks. At one point, I saw The Airhead poking around our pile. Fortunately, The Torso was buried deep enough to avoid ending up on her front porch. After an eternity, there was a rumbling, announcing the arrival of the trucks and sanitation workers. I was lurking in the shadows of my living room, awaiting the unveiling of The Torso. Finally, the shovel on the front of a dump truck picked it up. I was horrified when I saw The Torso dangling from the corner of the scooper. In my mind, or possibly in reality, all the shovel handlers turned and looked at my house. I saw the silent scream of “Pervs Live There!” emanating from their lips. Then, they were gone. I never did find out what kind of doctor sold us our house. No doubt a sexy one... or maybe just a really, really lonely one.