Wednesday, January 15, 2014

The Pooper Vortex

One of my resolutions for 2014 was to step in less dog poop, specifically in my living room. So far, it’s not going so well. One day last week, I got home from work and greeted my three dogs. I gazed into the living room, and noticed a huge mountain of pooh. It was way too big for the usual culprit - Stella. It was also too big to have come from Lucy. It might have been deposited by Cosmo, but I doubted it. A theory evolved that a small but wily elephant had tunneled into my house using a sharpened spoon clutched in its trunk. Only that could explain the size of the pile on my living room carpet. I got some paper towels, a wash rag, and the big bottle of Pee Whiz (used to clean all types of disgusting bodily substances). After the cleanup, I went back to the living room only to find more turds strewn about the carpet. How had I missed them? I cleaned them up, and corralled the dogs for our afternoon walk. It was then that I noticed some poopy shoe prints on the hardwood floor under the living room window. I checked my shoes, but the bottoms were clean. I texted my husband and told him to check his shoes, then went for the Pee Whiz. As I walked back from cleaning the shoe prints by the window, I found more poopy prints by the front door. Now it was getting weird. I had come in through that door, but hadn’t noticed anything. Just what was going on??? I checked my shoes again, just in case I had missed a giant cow patty embedded in the soles. Still clean. Could it be time to call a priest for a pooh exorcism? I know poltergeists are playful spirits. Perhaps I had a Poopergeist. Then there’s the weather... Some places have just experienced cold temperatures due to the Polar Vortex. Maybe a distant cousin, the Pooper Vortex, took a giant dump on my carpet. My money is still on the tunneling, marauding elephant with the sharpened spoon, though. So many theories, so little time. As long as I don’t run out of Pee Whiz, I’ll be fine.

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